Orgasm vs. Validation vs. Intimacy: Why Are You Really Having Sex?

Ah, sex. We crave it, dream about it, long for it, and shit, some of us even kill over it. It’s one of life’s many pleasures. Yet, the motives and desires behind our society’s need for sex goes far beyond the mechanics of simple sexual reproduction.


Unless you’re a single-celled organism who reproduces asexually, or you’ve taken a vow of celibacy, sex is going to be something you experience at some point in your life. Most of us are raised to believe “sex is for adults” or “you shouldn’t have sex before you’re married.” Yet still, most of us grow up and end up losing our virginities in our teen years and before marriage. The idea of this “forbidden fruit” act intrigues and tempts us from young ages, and drives us to see what it’s all about when we’re finally able. We all know the sex we have as adults is nothing compared to the sex we have as teenagers, or when we’re beginning to be sexually active. Therefore, what compels our immature minds to want sex in the beginning? In our lives today, why are we really having sex and are we truly pleasured? How does the sex you have differ with the true underlying objectives you have inside of you?


In Our Youth

This isn’t a scientifically backed up blog, nor am I going to bore you with the basic details of how our mind-body connection allows us to orgasm. Guys from a young age are often expected to go through puberty and become ravenous, masturbating animals who are just trying to get any girl into bed with them. I feel the first need to have sex for guys stems from these hormonal feelings to have sex, and get a nut off- simply put. It’s awkward, they probably only last a few minutes (TOPS), and they feel satisfied having an orgasm not produced by their hand. It’s the most instinctual response when first choosing to have sex.  The female orgasm, which is more complex, I feel doesn’t take role in why young girls choose to have sex in the beginning. Many girls aren’t comfortable or know their own body yet to say, “Damn! I need me an orgasm tonight!”

I remember being a young girl and finally hearing sex come into the picture. We hear girls at school saying so and so had sex, or this person was going to, etc. It starts to become a reality of, should I be having sex? With guys, I feel it’s a very distinct want to first have sex, but with girls I think it’s a different approach. In a dog-eat-dog world, we begin to put ourselves out there. Most young girls want to have a boyfriend, be told their pretty, and feel ultimately validated by someone. This need for validation from a guy is what I think pushes young girls to first begin to have sex, and for some will be the only reason they have sex. Guys can be motivated by this as well if they feel they need to sleep with X amount of girls for approval from their friends or to fit in. Acceptance and validation from others through a means of sex is a strong motivator for those in youth and adulthood.

We watch T.V. shows and movies depicting love stories and sensual sex scenes, making us want that for ourselves. In those immature, “serious” relationships where we feel we are ready to share sex with another person, comes from that human want of intimacy.  Young, dumb, and in love, we want to feel close with our partner. What can be a very emotional and special moment for some, can shape the way they have sex for the rest of our lives.


In Our Adulthood

Sex becomes a bigger part of our lives the older we get. We have more freedom, more opportunity, and (hopefully) more pleasure. Some of us will learn what we want and how we like it, yet some will fall prey to an unfulfilled sex life.

I mentioned earlier I don’t think young girls are focused on having an orgasm and walking out the door. As females get older, we definitely become more in tune with our bodies and go into sex with an expectation of how it should be. In a healthy sex life, you and your partner should fulfill each other’s needs, whatever they might be. Some women find it hard to orgasm and might not ever reach that potential. Those who are able, might find sex that doesn’t result in an orgasm as mediocre or inadequate. As for guys, some may develop a deeper understanding and desire of sex to where just “getting your rocks off” isn’t going to suffice. Perhaps they need a partner to perform a certain expectation to fully feel satisfied. If you and your partner actively work to make sure both parties and pleased to their means, congrats! You’re one of the few. Having sex to orgasm and reach that euphoric state is something we all want to receive and experience. When having sex with your partner, step back and consider if it’s one-sided and whether or not they’re looking out to just please themselves, or fulfill your needs as well.

Casual sex is something that has become very normalized in today’s society. Having 10+ amount of partners, or hooking up with X from the bar, are common situations we see all the time. I’m not expressing a distaste or judgement when I say such things, it’s your prerogative and I could care less. However, what are people really achieving when they often have sex with new partners? Sex with someone new is (almost) never good, especially if you carry certain expectations. If someone doesn’t know your body or preferences, what are we actually getting out of it when we sleep with strangers or even people with a bare minimum connection? This stems all the way back to the youth need of validation. Even more so, both guys and girls are having sex to feel this void. They share this intimate side of them in attempt to fill the void of validation from whatever is lacking in their life. Was your father or mother not there for you as a child? Do you carry a low self esteem and feel the need to be wanted by someone? Is your boss a dickhead and you need you prove you’re not a pussy? Is your marriage failing and the sex is no good so you’re looking else where? Does sleeping with more than one person at a time make you feel powerful? There may be a few moments after the sex where those pre-existing feelings might subside, but sex inspired by means other than you and your partner wanting to truly please each other, is never going to fix your issues.

Now, we’re putting the biological and psychological bullshit behind us, and just recognizing the simple pleasure of passion and feeling of closeness. The intimacy we begin to long for in our youth only intensifies as adults. We meet certain people and want to share our bodies with them. Whether that be in a committed relationship, or casual sex. The majority of people hate the thought of “dying alone” or being alone in general. This intimacy we get to share with another human compensates these fears with feelings of one-ness and pleasure. Even for couples who have been married for years, where the actual sex itself might not be how it was. Let’s say Paul probably takes Viagra and still can’t get it up, and Susan’s vagina is probably drier than the Sahara after menopause, but they still enjoy each other. Being intimate with your partner can make you feel emotionally and physically satisfied, even if it doesn’t end in a mind-blowing orgasm.


So, Why Do I Have Sex?

From writer to reader, I want to share my own answers with you. I haven’t been playing in the ball-field for too long, but I have a pretty good understanding of my own sexual being. The sex I have now, isn’t even close to what it was when I was 17 and first had sex. When I lost my virginity, it was simply because I wanted to “do it.” I wanted to see what all the hype was about and experience it. Sure, there were feelings of wanting to be wanted by the person it was with, but not necessarily a void of validation I was trying to fill. Looking back, I had no concept of what “good or bad” sex was and now, I chuckle at difference from then and present day. I have no desire to be in a committed relationship in my life right now, but still long for intimacy and passion with another person from a pleasure stand point. If you told me I could either never have sex again, or have sex with someone for the rest of my life but never be fulfilled to my expectations- I’d never have sex again. Sex for me has always been an outlet for my mind and body, not a measurement of self-worth. Find a way to know the difference for yourself.


Now, Why Are YOU Having Sex?

Are you just trying to bust a nut and relax? Do you think your boyfriend is cheating on you and you need him to stay? Is your significant other fine as hell and you just want to jump their bones?

I want you all to take a step back and really see why you’re having sex and who you’re having sex with. Is it coming from a place of simple orgasm, your need of validation, or wanting to share intimacy with your partner? What can you do to improve your sex life if you’re not happy? Do you feel the reasons you have sex differ as you get older?

Be brutally honest (you can respond anonymously!) and tell me why you have sex!

7 Comments

  1. Personally, I have sex because it is a fun activity that I can perform with someone as either a bonding experience or a form of expression. For those who can’t (or won’t) express themselves verbally or otherwise physically, sex can be a way of getting your emotions out without much immediate social pressure, provided of course you’re doing it with partners who are non-judgmental.

    There are SO many ways to have sex that I’m surprised it isn’t officially recognized as an artform yet. Anything from mutual masturbation to threesomes to full on orgies are all considered sexual acts and all of those things have subcategories depending on the participants and what they’re willing to do to each other.

    Issues arise when someone’s private life begins leaking into the public space, which I feel does a great disservice to many people and companies worldwide. So what if Jane from Accounting likes to be in a gangbang every Saturday? As long as it doesn’t affect her performance at work why should anyone care?

    In short, I think society at large needs to accept sex as a form of artistic and emotional expression.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, I love this!
      Expressing yourself through sex is most definitely an art form. Our bodies themselves are art and when you combine the two and can share something sensual and passionate with a partner who is on the same page, it can be freeing for the mind and body. Which as I said, is one reason I have sex.

      With that being said of Jane from Accounting being gangbanged, the basis of this post and that bring the question of why does she like to be gangbanged? Does she experience this incredible high from the intensity, resulting in an orgasm like no other? Does she feel a part inside of her deserves to be fucked brutishly? Or is it all of these factors combined that ultimately allow her to express herself as you said, as an artistic individual?

      Great viewpoints again, and thanks for sharing!

      Like

      1. To me, gangbangs in and of themselves are the epitome of the phrase “confidence through submission”. A woman (or man) has to be supremely confident to be able to submit to multiple men (or women) at once, especially if those persons are rough and primal in their technique. If at any point the subject of the group falters in their resolve just a little, the rest of the participants could overtake them and something bad may happen.

        Many things could lead to wanting to be the subject of a gangbang. Maybe Jane has a complex and requires the attention of multiple men at once to truly feel satisfied? Maybe she just loves being touched by all those men at once and the physical contact is what’s most important? Maybe Jane is a contrarian and feels the need to do what she does because society tells her it is forbidden? I think each of these possible scenarios are manifestations of Jane’s personal tastes, made real through her visceral and primal actions. Through her actions, she reveals something about her true nature that the majority of people that meet her don’t get to see.

        This simple sexual act can have so much nuance behind it, as can any. Jane can have literally infinite reasons why she loves gangbangs and that’s what I personally love so much about sex.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. In this situation of Jane and her gangbangs, I think this hypothetical actually illustrates what I’m encouraging readers to understand about their own sex lives. Find what pleases you to an end of true gratification and pleasure that comes from your own desires, and not for a need of validation from others. No, it doesn’t have to be gang bangs or any sort of taboo sex, but what’s missing from your sex life that’s hindering you from reaching this true euphoria that can be reached through sex?

        For Jane, you, and I, we have an understanding of what we want from sex and can achieve it through our expressions and preferences. Kudos to us!

        Like

  2. No need to get cold feet! 😉 Great response! It’s sounds like you fall under the category of intimacy! I agree in the fact that a new, alluring partner can want to find out what the action of sex would be like! As you learn each other’s bodies, it most definitely is a blissful experience!

    Like

  3. Sex is a great way to express yourself and I can definitely see the artistic value in the act of it. To me at its core sex it’s about connection and that dance of the two opposing energies that the people involved are representing. I think I could see sex as a way to validate ones self through the eyes of the partner. I have been guilty of getting down on myself if I feel like I haven’t pleased my partner fully. If we aren’t a hot mess after the deed than I probably didn’t give my all is what I’ll hear in my head.

    My greatest fear maybe is not being able to please a partner sexually. Because in my mind if I can’t then I’m not getting shit done in my daily life.

    So in retrospect after reading this maybe I have some kind of need to be validated in the sheets. But I don’t know if that’s such a bad thing because the way you express yourself sexually can be a reflection on how your life is going right? Personally, I’m always critical of myself and expect the best performance in most of the things I do including sex. I’m in my late 20’s and started having sex at 18 and after 7 years of somewhat regular sex; never deprived but not over-indulgent, I can say with confidence that I still can feel like a noob sometimes haha. I do often find myself having sex in order to make sure my body and mind are at least somewhat in unison. Basically I know that if my life is shitty at the moment than the sex I’m having is most likely not that fulfilling. “Something has gotta give”

    On a more baseline everyday level I have sex just to experience beautiful women. All the different kinds of women out there exhibiting their own unique forms of grace and elegance. Even Jane getting gangbanged is illustrating a part of her sexual power in order to submit fully to the masculine energy. The fiery hard-to-get woman and the more softer watery type (sorry for the elemental metaphors :D) are equally sexy to me and that’s been that way my whole life. I’ve never wanted to overpower or dominate even though that’s how I like to have sex. My first goal is always to allow space for the woman to open up to me and then I’ll respond however the energy she’s giving out needs to be opposed. In my personal experience, the more open and willing the woman is than the more likely she wants me to fuck the shit out of her. If she is more closed off and rigid than I may have to model a more gentler side of myself in order to open her up. I may be making this sound easy but reading a woman’s “energy” has been the hardest thing for guys to get since the dawn of time! Because WE as men have to have our own shit together in order to ravage our women without getting “distracted”, it takes a lot of focus sometimes. Because IF you are NOT present, the girl picks up on it RIGHT AWAY and will destroy you! But I did get slapped pretty hard once in bed and that definitely threw me off lol.

    As always Taleah, great thought-proving writing! Keep it up! Can’t wait to read more!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I love the way you described that! “Two opposing energies that the people involved are representing” great visual and sensory imagery. Sharing your energies in sex, especially when you’re in a higher state of consciousness in your sexual being, with another person’s energy, can be completely explosive and manifest phenomenal sex in my opinion!

      Having sex while your life isn’t unfulfilling, I find like you said, will correlate in your sex life and end up making you more frustrated- and perhaps continuing the cycle expecting some to change, when it won’t if you’re not doing anything to change the circumstances in your life. Therefore, causing people to have a constant unfulfilled sex life.

      People who carry a certain level of sexual consciousness, I feel definitely worry whether if they are or aren’t fully pleasing their partner. Of course you want to be satisfied, but a great sex life and partner will make sure both sides are pleasured. And as you said, allowing space and communication will help to know you partner and understand their likes, limits, and how much they’re ready to give!

      Overall, yes it’s wonderful to experience all the different people out in this world. So many different bodies, souls, and “energies” that can allow you to sensually and artistically release and express yourself.

      Thanks for the great viewpoint and thoughts!

      Liked by 1 person

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