I don’t really know much of anything in particular about numerology. However, I recently learned that right now we’re in the year of the “11,” a powerful number of freedom, self-realization, and understanding of ourselves. I started 2018 off in a dark, self-loathing corner where I felt I would never be truly happy again. This year has since been a compilation of small, pivotal moments that have now left me with a life full of joy, gratitude, self-love, and freedom from my past demons.
Stop Existing, and Start Living
I’ve always been one to enjoy solitude and my own company. I believe it’s incredibly important to spend time by yourself, and to get to know your own self. However, this time of solitude evolved into a means of isolation for myself where I dug myself into a lonesome hole.
In March 2017, I began competition prep for the bodybuilding show I wanted to compete in. I was constantly hungry, mean, and completely self-involved. I isolated myself from everyone in my life, because I simply could not deal with anything else besides what I had going on in my own life. This isolation continued well after the competition, and began to be my life. I would workout, eat, go to work, sleep, repeat. I felt like squid ward in his squid community doing the same. exact. shit. every. day. I was unfulfilled, lonely, and had too much time to spend hating myself. I would try to get myself out and to go do things, but I felt so ugly and uncomfortable to leave the house. I thought to myself, “this is my life, and there’s nothing I can do to change it.” I felt like I didn’t even deserve to exist, and after all what was I even doing that would make life worth living?
Fast forward to May 2018, when my life epiphany was beginning to take place. For one of the MANY reasons I stepped away from bodybuilding, I wanted to stop existing for one sole thing- and begin living for SO MANY THINGS. I started spending more money, and sure my bank account wasn’t too happy, but I started buying and doing things that made me happy. I followed my dream of travelling and booked a trip to Europe this November. I started to hang out with my friends more, and appreciate true human interaction. I could go out to eat and enjoy company, without worrying about having to eat my meal prep or missing a workout. I broke out of my day to day routine and chose to do whatever would make me happy, THAT DAY. We’re all given a body, a heartbeat, and brain, and it’s up to us what we choose to do with it. For me now, I choose to live a life that gives me memories and happiness, not a blank void of emptiness.
Accept and Embrace What You Cannot Change and
For 7 years of my life, I let my hair-straightening schedule dictate my life. That sounds absolutely insane and absurd, but it’s true. I HATED my natural curly and frizzy hair, and would REFUSE to ever be seen with it. Therefore, I constantly straightened my hair in resentment for something I’d never be able to change. Finally one day, I decided I was going to try something new and just let my hair be curly. I looked in the mirror and for once, I wasn’t disgusted with how it looked. I started to love it and feel like this was the real Taleah. The moment I let all that unimportant self-hatred go, it was like I was a new woman.
Low self-esteem is something I always struggled with. Ask anyone I went to school with, I REFUSED to have my picture taken in any sort of way. I wanted to cry each and every time the yearbook people came in to try to take my picture. I thought my nose would look big, my hair would be crazy, I would look fat, I’d be a monster caught on tape! Every time I’d look in the mirror and think, “If only I looked like _____,” or “I wish I could just have ab’s, a big butt, better hair, big boobs” the self-hatred goes on and on. The concept of me ever truly accepting myself would never happen in A MILLION YEARS…. until it actually did.
When the happiness from living, and the letting my lion’s mane blow free, I was beginning to see and embrace every part of me in a new light. Sure my nose is big, but I’d look like Michael Jackson if it was any smaller. The way my body is composed, I will never have ab’s without looking like a starved little girl with no boobs or butt. I choose to embrace my more womanly, shapely body now even if that means a softer stomach. I’ve taken the most pictures in my entire life in the past 3 months, and don’t fear the outcome of a picture. If my picture is taken and it isn’t the most flattering, I don’t sit there any pick apart every piece of it and dwell on it for the next 6 hours. I say “Yikes, deleted.” And move on with my life.
It is exhausting to look in the mirror every day and hate yourself. It is exhausting to let your self-esteem take a toll on your happiness and relationships. It is exhausting to let your feelings on unworthiness take up any more time in your life. Give it up. Let those negative thoughts go and start loving the person you are.
Eliminate Toxic People From Your Life
Toxic people can be the sole reason all of these negative aspects of your life can take precedence. I’ve never been one to keep toxic people in my life, especially when I recognize that their negative energy is translating to my own. When I stepped back and looked at where my life had taken this bumpy and dangerous turn and where this new and enlightening path was taking me, I knew what certain people needed to go. I’m not saying to create a massive explosion and burn bridges, but take control and begin to sever ties. You have taken the steps to see that this person(s) is taking a toll on your life and happiness, and you cannot continue to let them do so. Friendships and relationships will come and go, but never let your own life be compromised in attempt to keep them around.
Eat and Move Like You Love Yourself
When I started a healthy lifestyle back in October 2015, it was out of love for myself and brought me happiness. I wanted to create a better, healthier me. Bodybuilding took those motives and completely shit on them. I was eating and training in efforts to “get big,” “get shredded,” and then maybe I’d actually be happy for myself. I was motivated by my self-hatred to get better, not my self-love. I couldn’t tell you how many days I went into the gym and cried between September 2017-April 2018, because I felt I was never going to be good enough.
Finally, I began to get back to a place where I was eating and working out because I loved myself. On days I go into the gym, I’m doing workouts that make me happy. On days I don’t go to the gym, I don’t beat myself up and think “I’m missing out on gains!” Exercising SHOULD NOT BE YOUR LIFE, it should be APART of your life.
I eat all different kinds of fruits, vegetables, and grains that keep me healthy and are delicious. I also eat chocolate-covered-peanut-butter-filled pretzels and chocolate chip pancakes because they make my soul happy. (This is such a deep topic, I’m making a completely other blog post regarding disordered eating and the effect it had on my life.)
Exercise and eat in a manner that comes out of love, not hatred. Exercise to keep your body strong and healthy, but not consume your life. Eat to give your body nutrients and energy, but also enjoy all the delicious foods the world has to offer. There is so much more to life than getting your work out in, or trying to hit a certain number or calories or macros.
Remain In The Present
I’m not a big book reader (I wish I was), but there is one book that completely changed my life. I first read “The Power of Now” back in April 2017, and it had completely changed my whole life regarding emotions and mindset. However, I neglected to truly live in the present those 8 months when I was trapped in my dark thoughts. I was worried on the future and what was going to happen, that I was severely absent and depressed in the present.
When I finally began to live in the present, is when my best life started to take place. Now I choose and allow myself to feel whatever I’m feeling. Happiness, sadness, anger, lust, love. etc, I give myself permission to feel it. It’s what I decide to do with those feelings and how I let them effect me and my life. Nothing in the past or future matters, only this moment right now. We are in control of our present life and how we allow our emotions to dictate our state of consciousness right now. Nothing in our lives are permanent, and when we begin to detach our emotions from the impermanence of life, this is when we begin to become in control of our own self. I highly recommend this book to anyone wanting to understand a deeper part of our self and comprehension of our emotions and feelings towards yourself and others.
Live Your Life For You
A reoccurring theme you might be seeing within this, is doing all of these things for you. Every choice you make at the end of the day is ultimately going to affect you and your happiness. These choices are what build up and will ultimately lead you to snap and lose it, or attain this state of freedom and love. You could spend the rest of your life working towards something that *might* make you feel fulfilled in 6 years, hating every piece of yourself, staying in a relationship that is no good for you or them, wasting time in an eating disorder or addiction consuming your life, or being in a constant state of anxiety, sadness, or anger based on things that have happened or might happen. You’re not going to be happy. You are going to see your life blink before your eyes, like it did for me in those 8 months. Make decisions that are going to make you happy in this moment right now.
I enjoy each and every day I get to live in this mind and body that I have come so far in loving and evolving. No one is going to change these things in your life, and you are the only one who can control what you do with your life. It may have taken 19 years to start living my best life, but at least I know now each and every day to follow is going to be the best.
Are you truly living your best life? Can you do anything of these things that will make your life and happiness better? Anything you want to add?