Half of My Heart: Settling, Toxic Relationships, and Saying Goodbye To Someone You Love

Love. Everyone dreams of this magical feeling and sharing it with the right person. We meet someone and these intimate feelings rush to our stomach and suddenly we find ourselves head over heels. Time passes, shit happens, and now you’re at a stand still. Is the person you fell in love with, the same person you’re still in love with? What do you do if you love someone, but are no longer in love with them?


My Story

The Beginning

I remember the first feelings of blissfully (and ignorantly) falling in love with this person. You love spending every moment with that person and everything they do. The way they talk, laugh, and look at you. The “cupcake” stage of a relationship, I remember us calling it, was the best. You have yet to deal with each others flaws and get to know their real person. After the first few months, you start to get into the real shit. The other person starts to show colors that weren’t initially on the spectrum, and you may start to show colors you never knew you had. You overlook these simple things in the beginning because this is what happens when you’re in love, right? I already started to invest time into my feelings and this person, so why would I give up?

The First Severing Moment

I remember the first feelings of finding out that he had lied and the escalation of the initial break up. The sadness, anger, and confusion as I hysterically cried in my bed whilst eating a Chocolate Chip Poptart (lol). Many people may disagree with me on this, but when your relationship experiences it’s first severing moment, things will never be the same. Note how I say *first*, because we’ll continue and continue to try and try- yet it will never be as it was before the severing moment. Trust is loss, you them in a different light, and there is a black hole within that will always suck into a different direction.

A couple months later, we decided to date again. I believe the reconciliation lasted  several weeks before agreeing it wasn’t what we wanted. Instead of hysterically crying and eating poptarts, this is when I read The Power of Now. I read this book, and everything in my brain clicked. I stepped back and realized all the different emotions and expectations I was placing on this person without processing and thinking about them. My mind was creating these foolish, irrational acts based on my emotions. I decided to focus on myself, and he decided to hop into another relationships/roller coaster of emotions.

Around & Around We Go

While prepping for my bodybuilding show, and he was in this “relationship,” we both had separate lives going on. Meanwhile we continued to be intimate with each other. I would listen to his relationship problems and give advice, and in my head I knew I still loved him, but I also knew there wasn’t anything more I wanted. He left for the summer, and for the first time I felt lonely. I listened to “Tomorrow Never Came” by Lana Del Rey, and couldn’t help but think of the future we’d never have. He came back, and even while he was still in a rocky relationship, I continued to be his friend despite any feelings I still had.

During this time in my life, I was changing drastically. I was becoming a much deeper person with different dreams and ambitions, yet he was the same. I met new people, and felt different ways, and had a new idea of love and what it meant to me. His relationship didn’t work out, as this girl he was in love with wasn’t who he thought she would be. They continued to go back and forth, just as we had been doing. Meanwhile, I was living my own life and following the person I was becoming; a person he did not like. He stopped talking to me based on things I was doing while we weren’t even romantically together. This is where we always differed. I supported and listened to him no matter what he was doing, because I loved him. I wanted him in my life, regardless of what he was doing.

The Final Severing Moment

This past month, he came back into my life and this time it was different. We were talking and sharing things like we did back in the cupcake stage. The thought of him felt like home, secure, and comfortable. The half of my heart who has loved him through everything said, “go for it.” The other half said, “what the fuck are you thinking?” I’m no longer this person who erratically makes decisions based on emotions, and this is what helped me decide what I needed to do. I felt like I was being sucked back into the vacuum of a love I already know. A love I know that is toxic. A love that had already been shattered before. A love that was first formed around a girl I no longer am. I didn’t know what to do because I love him so much, but I am no longer in love with him. I knew I could attempt to make a relationship work because I love him, but to what end would I truly be happy with this relationship? I knew it was time to finally say goodbye to him, and that piece of my heart.


The Take Away

Too many of us find ourselves in the inevitable cycle of a toxic relationship and we don’t even realize it. We dismiss what our heads and hearts are telling us out of fear of ruining a comfortable love. We’ve built a time or piece of our lives around someone who doesn’t bring us the same happiness or thrill as someone else. You may argue that it’s not realistic to be in love with someone and not have to deal with the bullshit or baggage. I understand we all have cards we don’t initially put on the table, but if years pass and you still fall into the trap of an unsatisfied love, is that really a love worth keeping? If you’ve been with someone since you were fifteen, and are now engaged, and you’ve been trying to get some side pussy FOR YEARS…. are you truly in love with that person? When you’re cheating on your spouse of X years and you stay because it’s security and all you know…. are you truly in love with that person? If you know your partner has cheated and may still be cheating and you stay…. are you truly in love with that person? If you’re still young and finding yourself and you cheat…. are you truly in love with that person?

A recurring theme you may see within my writing is that I’m a bit of a hopeless romantic, in an unusual and fucked up way. It could take cheating, open relationships, or 15 years down the road in your life of partners, but I believe there is definitely somebody in this world that brings out the inner most joy of your being and you could enjoy the rest of your life with. What it takes to truly find and experience that person is what people neglect. We stay in unfulfilled relationships/marriages out of fear of change, failure, regret, and loneliness. We’ve spent so much time on one person, we don’t want to do it again. You’ll never know who you’ll meet or what you’ll do if you stay in your little bubble of comfort and security.

Can you think of one severing moment, maybe two? Or three? Or more than you can count? Do you feel something is missing or that you’re no longer in a place you were at in the beginning? Have you or the other person changed in ways that aren’t complimentary? If you’ve said to yourself “yes” to any of these things, take a step back and look at your current relationship. I know too many strong women who are sucked into (very) toxic relationships and aren’t even aware.  Even with the situation between me and this guy, he felt as if he was in love with me. I signaled enough red flags that should have warned that this love would not have been fair to him. I couldn’t give him everything he would want, yet he continued to try to convince me otherwise. When a love is pure and meant to be, there aren’t going to be red flags waving at you and screaming “GET THE FUCK OUT!!” Being alone is scary, trying something new is scary, but where is the love in something when you’re no longer in love?


Could you potentially be in a toxic relationship? Does is scare you to say goodbye to someone you do love, but aren’t in love with anymore? Do you agree or disagree with my position of love vs. in love?

Let me know your thoughts!

xx,

Taleah

4 Comments

  1. Since I’m currently getting butterflies when I think of a guy that ghosted me after I’d been in love with him (I can’t really say “we” anymore cause I’m only sure of how I feel). He now has a “love of his life” and I constantly try to understand every piece of things he says so he doesn’t think I’m stressing him too much, I guess you can say I’m in a toxic situation. I want him but I shouldn’t, and I can’t have him either. It’s fucked up.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I understand that 100% and relate. Those are a different kind of toxic relationship when the person you want isn’t even yours. Knowing and accepting the reality of the situation helps you either be okay with it, or urge you to move on for your own good.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. This was an amizng piece Taleah! Your writing is always so wonderful to read. I connect to this piece especially because I spent 3 years in a horribly toxic relationship that has left us both broken in ways that it will take years to rebuild. But I had no idea. I just blamed myself and decide that if I tried harder one day it would work itself out. I was so scared of being alone and I loved him so much. But one day never came. It wasn’t until I found the person I was truly met to be with that I knew I had to get out. It was like you said, no red flags. Nothing but pure bliss. I’m never left wondering if he truly loves every part of me, even the messed up parts. And I’ve never felt more safe and loved in my life. But I still think about my first love everyday. I will never be able to forget the look in his eyes or the touch of his lips. It’s the hardest thing in the world to deal with. But I have always remind myself no matter what your feelings say, the logic in it says it was never meant to be.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Ahhh, thank you for sharing Erin! I witnessed your toxic relationship first hand and am so proud you made the right decision for yourself. The memory of those we have loved will never go away, which is what makes it so hard to make the decision to say goodbye and move on. If we don’t take the plunge we may never find that blissful love you now feel ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

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